Toscar Texts

Just about to wipe some texts and thought I’d copy a few out that made me laugh.


Tosc: What you up to?

Me: Watching Gone With The Wind and drinking whisky x

Tosc: Slavery and booze. Just another normal day for your sort.


(Tosc is out for a Christmas meal with people from work)

Tosc: Crackers, hats, jokes. Kill me again and again. It’s like a bad Alan Bennett play.

Me: Just keep smiling and think of England. x

Tosc: That’s what I do when I’m being gang raped. This is so much worse.


Me: So did you buy the speakers?

Tosc: Nah, I think they’re hot.

Me: Hot? Like – stolen? x

Tosc: No, actually boiling hot. Course I mean stolen.


Me: Would you still love me if I had a tube hanging out of my abdomen?

Tosc: No.

Me: Aw.

Tosc: And you’ll probably give it a pet name like ‘wiggly’ or ‘tubey’ and it’d piss me right off.


Tosc: I found a walking stick in a skip. You want it?


Tosc: Would you go to prison for murdering a shitnosed teenager? Cos he hasn’t got much of a future. So…


Me: Wrote a poem about you showering before bed. x

Tosc: Must be a boring poem.

Me: Thanks.

Tosc: What? I don’t get why that’d be interesting.


(Tosc sent me a christmas card and wrote a rather sentimental message inside.)

Me: Love the card. x

Tosc: It was a toss up between writing some meaningful shit or sticking a tenner inside.

Me: Glad you went with the meaningful shit! x

Tosc: Yeah I thought a tenner would just insult you.


3 thoughts on “Toscar Texts

  1. Ah I have snort-laughter tears! Thanks for sharing!

  2. 🙂 I think he’d kill me if he knew I was posting his texts but they’re just too funny to keep to myself. I really do think he might be some kind of strange genius.x

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