Ok – so this afternoon the woman behind the cigarette counter told me to ‘go away’.
I was trying to pay for my cigarettes with the exact money because I hate carrying change, and I dropped all of my coins on the floor, so I laughed and tried to pick it all back up again but my tremor was making that a fucking impossible enterprise, so I kept smiling even though I actually wanted to kill myself and then when I finally put the money on the counter I thought I’d try to lighten the mood by asking the woman if she was ‘Team Nigella’ or not, because I’d overheard her talking about it to the last customer. I was flustered and embarrassed and it was the first thing that popped into my head. The woman glared at me, put the money in the till, and then she told me – right to my face- to ‘go away’.
What powerful words they are! When I was young I thought the most powerful words in the English language were ‘leave me alone!’ but no – it turns out that ‘go away’ is far more hurtful.
I appreciate that I become very, very irritating and perhaps a little bit mad-looking when I’m not very well but Jesus Christ. I felt very sad about it all day, until about half an hour ago when I realised I should have replied:
‘No! You fucking go away! I’m staying in this shop FOREVER and there’s fuck all you can do about it! Now TALK TO ME ABOUT NIGELLA LAWSON.’