Been awake since five, Tosc stayed over so I refused to get out of bed for a while, spent an hour moulding myself into his back and absorbing up his sleepy heat. He’s so warm, that boy, he bakes like a gingerbread man. I’m up now though, on the sofa, writing this in the five minutes before his alarm clock is due to go off. Everything’s really quiet.

I have the psychiatrist this morning. Not feeling up to it. I don’t know whether to trick her by having a shower and wearing something smart or just fuck it and wear my Big Depression Coat and my Big Depression Hat. Even Tosc is catching on, last night I wanted to stay in one position during sex and afterwards he said ‘what’s wrong, you’re not yourself’. It’s funny, it wasn’t even because I was feeling depressed, I was just tired. Although he’s right, I’m not myself. I’ve been so up and down recently though. There’s always chance of an upswing.

But my mind has become greyer. I was reading the newspaper yesterday, and there were a few articles that would usually engage me and get me thinking…but I found myself totally bereft of opinion.  And this morning, snuggled all nice into T’s back, I was constantly asking myself ‘why the fuck is he here?’


9 thoughts on “

  1. What's In A Name

    “he bakes like a gingerbread man.” > Yum!

    You need to tell this stuff (not the sexy fairytale cookie bit, the rest) to your psychiatrist m’dear, who cares what you are wearing. Do put on some pants though.
    I’m sorry to hear you are low. Wish there was something I could do. xx

    • Can you imagine:, hat, coat, naked from the waist down – like a big depressed chicken.

      I will tell her, I’m just not in the mood for a big long conversation about it this morning if you know what I mean. The office, the big jug of water, the nodding – the whole Tony Soprano checklist. Just not in the mood at all. xxx

      • What's In A Name

        Yeah, I understand all too well.
        Hang in they my’dear.

        Now, I need to figure out what is going wrong with my blog sounds, I need a cute IT guy/girl. I can send them over your way once they’re done if you like, maybe they can change your font for free (though I don’t mind it). 😉 xx

  2. Oh they work on Firefox – I just checked. I’m obviously having some issues with Safari, so yeah – definitely send over the hot IT person..
    Will listen to poems later when I feel a bit calmer (although your voice is a very calming voice, and very exotic. It kind of reminds me of eating fruit very slowly, I don’t know why.) xx

    • Haha! Noone has ever said that before! That’s for sure.
      Maybe a … kiwifruit.

      The IT person is cute, rather than hot. They do have nice glasses and shoes. I might keep them a little longer. They’ll be waiting at yours for when you get back.

      • “Hurry up doc, I’ve got a cute IT guy flying from Australia to meet me in an hour and I want to put on my best socks before he arrives.”
        Yeah. If I’m not back this afternoon, I’ve been sectioned. (Either that or I’m shagging the IT guy.)xxx

  3. ps – kiwi most certainly. Eating a kiwi with a teaspoon might be one of the best things in the world. Fruit, as designed by Lewis Carroll. x

    • (I grew up on a kiwifruit orchard)

      I reckon Lewis Carrol also designed banana passionfruit. My friend (from ‘when I grow up’) had a vine always covered in them, had never seen them before and have never seen them since. Look and taste amazing though. Banana passionfruit. What more do you need? Oh, feijoa. Feijoa and banana passionfruit -> childhood heaven.

  4. You grew up on a kiwifruit orchard? That sounds…colourful and delicious. I’ve definitely never seen a banana passionfruit. Or a feijoa! Man. This is probably why I’m depressed.
    I’ll swap you one shiny red apple for one banana passionfruit. You have my childhood, I’ll have yours. x

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