So I read this today. What the fuck have any of these things got to do with being gay? Things like this make me so angry I want to punch myself in the face.
Well two people can play at the dumb list game, pal.
30 Things Gay Men Should Realise Before They Turn Thirty
1) Accept people for who they are! (Except if you’re a masculine man – then you have every right to judge a fellow masculine man as you will never, ever get along with him, ever.)
2.) You have balls. Play with them!
3.) An overconfident queer? I SMITE THEE, WARLOCK!
4.) Hummus did not kill the dog. Cats hardly ever finger themselves. Hummingbirds like jam. Queers appreciate nonsensical statements.
5.) Gays neglect charity at their peril.
6.) Do something about IT. You know what IT is don’t you? Of course you do, you dirty bastard.
7.) There is nothing worse than a gossiping, bitching, thirty year old queen. (What’s the straight guy equivelent again?)
8. ) Try fisting!
9.) So you really want to suck that guy’s dick? Well don’t just mime out your intentions – tell him with real live words!
10.) Remember all those times you’ve sat at home with your boyfriend watching a bad film eating pizza? YOU’VE BEEN DOING DATING WRONG.
11.) Relationships fail. Take it from me because I know. I really really know. I know everything and I’ve done everything and I know your future and I know the truth of the universe and I especially know about the success rate of all of your relationships, gay boy.
12.) Something cliched about friends.
13.) If your friends are straight, then you too are straight. Sorry about that. You better start re-evaluating your life, pronto.
14.) Firebomb your flat, ‘Fight Club’ style. This will make you a better homosexual.
15.) Never remember or regret anything.
16.) The world is not one big fluffy bunny orgy. I’m pretty sure you should have worked this one out when you were younger than thirty, but hey ho, maybe you’re just a naive idiot like a lot of gay men are.
17.) Become an insufferable Christian.
18.) Spread out your wings, you beautiful gay! You’re beautiful in every way! Say ‘hi’ to people in the street! Smile more! Repress the urge to be sick in your mouth!
19.) You remember the amazing hookups and friendships you’ve made through Grindr and social media? YOU’VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING WRONG.
20.) There are plenty more penises in your city.
21.) You know the ex that beat you up and said he wanted to kill you? And the ex who starved himself and then committed suicide? You know what the problem was in those relationships? YOU.
22.) Read Number 21 again and avoid drama. Ok? Let’s move on.
23.) See a psychiatrist!
24.) Something cliched about self worth.
25.) Peer pressure? At thirty? Seriously?
26.) Piss in a puddle. Crouch on a landmine. Do something else nonsensical and make yourself heard, girlfriend!
27.) Never do anything wrong, ever.
28.) When someone says they’re not into you, dig and dig and dig until you know exactly why.
29.) When someone says they’re not into you, just smile and accept it and move on instantly.
30.) Stand up for something you believe in! Like making fun of stupid fucking lists.