Toscar: I don’t like the word ‘gay’.
Me: Why not?
Toscar: Makes me sound…y’know. Gay.
Me: Right. So what are you then?
Toscar: Me? I just fuck men, mate.
Toscar: So let’s say you murder someone right, and you’re in the dock waiting for the sentence, and the judge says “Ok, you’ve got the choice between serving life in jail, or…Battle Royale.” But if you win the Battle Royale you get off scott-free and you win a million pounds.
Toscar: I’d go for Battle Royale. Fuck it, I’d do Battle Royale now if you asked me to. I’d be one of those mad fucks that does it just for the crack.
*shakes fist at invisible opponents*
COME ON YA CUNTS!
To me: “Bugger off, ya boarding school bastard!”
(Picking up a bottle from my bedside table) “Massage oil? Rose scented? What the fuck!”
Me: (staring at good looking boy) Tosc – look.
Me: The boy, there.
Toscar: (snorting) Come off it. He looks like a haemophiliac.
Toscar: Stop looming over me.
Me: I’m not looming over anybody.
Toscar: Yeah y’are. You’re always doin’ it.
Catching the end of Toscar’s phone conversation “…and I said, look love, if you don’t want me to throw peanuts at you, just ask.”
(Talking about a mutual friend) “The guy’s twenty-one years old and he’s acting like he’s fucking retiring. You watch, next thing he’ll be buying a Honda and he’ll find blood in his piss.”
To me: “Get fucked, Sebastian Flyte.”
A message Toscar left on my phone : “Are you ever gonna answer your fucking phone? You’re a twonk. You tell me to call, and you’re off fucking… saving bees or painting pebbles or whatever it is you do all day.”
Making fun of my accent: “Will you have a cup of tea? Or shan’t you have one, lest you gain a farthingale?”
Toscar, talking about a fight with a teenage drug dealer: So I punched him in the face and that was that.
Me: And you haven’t seen him since?
Toscar: No *thinks*. Actually that’s not true, I saw him in Tesco about two months ago and I started shouting ‘clean up in aisle three, please’ over and over whilst staring directly into his eyes until he left. I definitely haven’t seen him since then.