Toscar Quotes, No.1

Me: I’ve got all kinds of tea. Which would you like?

Toscar: What have you got?

Me: Red, Green, camomile…

Toscar: Whoa whoa whoa. You seem to be mistaking me for some kind of despicable homosexual.

…….

Toscar: You should put on some weight. You look like Edward Scissorhands got AIDS.

……..

Toscar: John Lennon died on the shitter.

Me: That was Elvis.

Toscar: No.

Me: Yes. Elvis died having a shit, John Lennon got shot.

Toscar: That’s just what they want you to think.

Me: Who’s they?

Toscar: Fucking…Apple Computers.

……..

(Booking a train ticket online)

Toscar: ‘why do they put ‘2013’ instead of just ‘13’? They KNOW I’m not traveling in 1913.”

Me: ‘They’re covering all areas. You might be a time traveler.’

Toscar: ‘…Mate, if I had a Time Machine, a complex and futuristic piece of mechanical engineering enabling me to skip across the centuries like a little girl playing hopscotch, I can pretty much guarantee you that I aint gonna be dicking about on British Rail.”

……

Toscar: Are you having cereal?’

Me: Yeah, but only a bit. I have my milk on the side.

Toscar: Milk on the what?

Me: On the side.

Toscar: What does that mean?

Me: Well, not poured over the cereal. I just want to drink it on the side.

Toscar: A bowl of dry food…and a bowl of milk? Like a fucking cat?

…………

Toscar’s opening words as I open my door – “What’s wrong with your hair? You look like Charles the First.”

……….

Me: What do you want most in the world?

Toscar: (without pausing) A skeleton.

Me: No…you can have anything at all.

Toscar: Yeah, I want a skeleton. Or an Aston Martin.

………

Toscar: I really like you, in all seriousness. You’re cute and funny.

Me: (enthusiastic) No, you’re cute and funny!

Toscar: (annoyed) Let’s not do this ok? You’re cute and funny, and that is the fucking end of it.

………

(I am pouring orange juice into Toscar’s glass. He grabs the carton and  points a spoon at me) “Can you stop doing posh stuff, please?”

………….

Me: You’re gorgeous.

Toscar: So are you.

Me: Yeah?

Toscar: Yeah, in the right light.

…..

Me: Have you ever written any poetry?

Toscar: Yeah. I wrote a poem when I was in school.

Me: What was it about?

Toscar: Fannies and willys. I was young, so it wasn’t good or anything.

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2 thoughts on “Toscar Quotes, No.1

  1. Wow! How fun it must be to have such an interesting character in your life… Is fun the right word though, I wonder? 🙂

    • Haha, he wears me out sometimes, but no-one makes me laugh quite like he does 🙂 I’ve got a big fat notebook of Toscar quotes that I’ve been writing for ages – whenever he comes over he says ‘you get that bastard book out again and I’ll smack you’. xxx

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