Me: I’ve got all kinds of tea. Which would you like?
Toscar: What have you got?
Me: Red, Green, camomile…
Toscar: Whoa whoa whoa. You seem to be mistaking me for some kind of despicable homosexual.
Toscar: You should put on some weight. You look like Edward Scissorhands got AIDS.
Toscar: John Lennon died on the shitter.
Me: That was Elvis.
Me: Yes. Elvis died having a shit, John Lennon got shot.
Toscar: That’s just what they want you to think.
Me: Who’s they?
Toscar: Fucking…Apple Computers.
(Booking a train ticket online)
Toscar: ‘why do they put ‘2013’ instead of just ‘13’? They KNOW I’m not traveling in 1913.”
Me: ‘They’re covering all areas. You might be a time traveler.’
Toscar: ‘…Mate, if I had a Time Machine, a complex and futuristic piece of mechanical engineering enabling me to skip across the centuries like a little girl playing hopscotch, I can pretty much guarantee you that I aint gonna be dicking about on British Rail.”
Toscar: Are you having cereal?’
Me: Yeah, but only a bit. I have my milk on the side.
Toscar: Milk on the what?
Me: On the side.
Toscar: What does that mean?
Me: Well, not poured over the cereal. I just want to drink it on the side.
Toscar: A bowl of dry food…and a bowl of milk? Like a fucking cat?
Toscar’s opening words as I open my door – “What’s wrong with your hair? You look like Charles the First.”
Me: What do you want most in the world?
Toscar: (without pausing) A skeleton.
Me: No…you can have anything at all.
Toscar: Yeah, I want a skeleton. Or an Aston Martin.
Toscar: I really like you, in all seriousness. You’re cute and funny.
Me: (enthusiastic) No, you’re cute and funny!
Toscar: (annoyed) Let’s not do this ok? You’re cute and funny, and that is the fucking end of it.
(I am pouring orange juice into Toscar’s glass. He grabs the carton and points a spoon at me) “Can you stop doing posh stuff, please?”
Me: You’re gorgeous.
Toscar: So are you.
Toscar: Yeah, in the right light.
Me: Have you ever written any poetry?
Toscar: Yeah. I wrote a poem when I was in school.
Me: What was it about?
Toscar: Fannies and willys. I was young, so it wasn’t good or anything.