Toscar Quotes, No.1

Me: I’ve got all kinds of tea. Which would you like?

Toscar: What have you got?

Me: Red, Green, camomile…

Toscar: Whoa whoa whoa. You seem to be mistaking me for some kind of despicable homosexual.


Toscar: You should put on some weight. You look like Edward Scissorhands got AIDS.


Toscar: John Lennon died on the shitter.

Me: That was Elvis.

Toscar: No.

Me: Yes. Elvis died having a shit, John Lennon got shot.

Toscar: That’s just what they want you to think.

Me: Who’s they?

Toscar: Fucking…Apple Computers.


(Booking a train ticket online)

Toscar: ‘why do they put ‘2013’ instead of just ‘13’? They KNOW I’m not traveling in 1913.”

Me: ‘They’re covering all areas. You might be a time traveler.’

Toscar: ‘…Mate, if I had a Time Machine, a complex and futuristic piece of mechanical engineering enabling me to skip across the centuries like a little girl playing hopscotch, I can pretty much guarantee you that I aint gonna be dicking about on British Rail.”


Toscar: Are you having cereal?’

Me: Yeah, but only a bit. I have my milk on the side.

Toscar: Milk on the what?

Me: On the side.

Toscar: What does that mean?

Me: Well, not poured over the cereal. I just want to drink it on the side.

Toscar: A bowl of dry food…and a bowl of milk? Like a fucking cat?


Toscar’s opening words as I open my door – “What’s wrong with your hair? You look like Charles the First.”


Me: What do you want most in the world?

Toscar: (without pausing) A skeleton.

Me: No…you can have anything at all.

Toscar: Yeah, I want a skeleton. Or an Aston Martin.


Toscar: I really like you, in all seriousness. You’re cute and funny.

Me: (enthusiastic) No, you’re cute and funny!

Toscar: (annoyed) Let’s not do this ok? You’re cute and funny, and that is the fucking end of it.


(I am pouring orange juice into Toscar’s glass. He grabs the carton and  points a spoon at me) “Can you stop doing posh stuff, please?”


Me: You’re gorgeous.

Toscar: So are you.

Me: Yeah?

Toscar: Yeah, in the right light.


Me: Have you ever written any poetry?

Toscar: Yeah. I wrote a poem when I was in school.

Me: What was it about?

Toscar: Fannies and willys. I was young, so it wasn’t good or anything.


2 thoughts on “Toscar Quotes, No.1

  1. Wow! How fun it must be to have such an interesting character in your life… Is fun the right word though, I wonder? 🙂

    • Haha, he wears me out sometimes, but no-one makes me laugh quite like he does 🙂 I’ve got a big fat notebook of Toscar quotes that I’ve been writing for ages – whenever he comes over he says ‘you get that bastard book out again and I’ll smack you’. xxx

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